Time to wind down this awful year. Hopefully 2021 will treat us all a little better. Here at The Blood-Red Pencil, we thought we would try and lighten things up a bit for the last month of the year, and showcase the best of our humorous posts. Elspeth's Writing Sheep   Elspeth Futcher kept us all entertained for many years with her wonderful sense of humour. We featured Elspeth's writing sheep and top posts in 2019's December re-run ( see this post for a bind-up of all her writing sheep entries ), so today we're highlighting another of her funnies that didn't make the cut last year. Amazon Dangers   Amazon River image by Jon Rawlinson , via Flickr Amazon-the-mega-bookstore and The Amazon (the river) have more in common than you might think, including the: " Anaconda - the world’s largest and heaviest snake. Can grow as long as 30 feet eating up to 30 pounds of prey a day. On Amazon, the Anaconda would be the newest release by John Grisham or Stephen Ki...

The Writing Sheep posts, by British playwright Elspeth Futcher   The first instalment of  Elspeth's Writing Sheep , in which the sheep point out to the writer that time spent on Facebook might not be time well spent. October's Visit to the Writing Sheep , featuring the first appearance of Nigel, the British sheep. The Lighter Side of Editing , in which the sheep express their desire to drive a red car.  Shear Your Darlings , because how can wool get made into stylish garments or accessories if it stays attached? Pay Attention!  Give your writing the respect it deserves. Shakespearean Writing Encouragement , because it's time to get to work. Your Writing Style: Are You a Lion or a Lamb?  Do you 'roar' through your first drafts, or are you a little fearful of the blank page? Writers Write , in which the sheep explain that going around in circles will make you dizzy. Dialogue Tips from the Writing Sheep : Good dialogue is indistinguishable from normal conversation....

EXT. A fenced meadow. Three sheep are grazing. More are in deep background. The WRITER approaches. The sheep raise their heads . SHEEP #1: Stay there. WRITER: Here? Outside the fence? SHEEP #3: Yes. WRITER: Why? SHEEP #2: Respect our boundaries. WRITER: Sure. SHEEP #1: We need to talk. SHEEP #2: To be clear, she means we need to talk to you; not that we need to talk. SHEEP #3: We can talk anytime we wish. SHEEP #1: Which we do. SHEEP #2: Often. SHEEP #3: Sometimes about you. SHEEP #1: Concerned? WRITER: Not particularly. Why do you need to talk to me? SHEEP #2: Why? SHEEP #3: Because it’s in our nature, I suppose. SHEEP #1: We are very helpful. SHEEP #2: We are, aren’t we? SHEEP #3: Very. SHEEP #1: There should be statues of us across the country. SHEEP #2: The world.  WRITER: I suppose I meant ‘what’. What do you want to talk to me about? SHEEP #3: Do we want to talk to her? SHEEP #1: Not really. It’s more an obligation than...

SHEEP #1: Is that you? WRITER: Are you talking to me? SHEEP #1: Yes. SHEEP #2: Where have you been? SHEEP #1: You’re rather late. WRITER: But… SHEEP #2: Time to write! WRITER: But… SHEEP #1: But what? SHEEP #2: You're not a goat. Stop butting. WRITER: Writing is hard. SHEEP#2: Are you a writer? WRITER: Yes. SHEEP #2:  Then write. WRITER: It’s not that easy.  SHEEP #3: Yes, it is. Write.  SHEEP #2: It doesn’t have to be perfect.  SHEEP #1: Let’s be honest, it won’t be perfect. It will never be perfect.  SHEEP #2: But it will be words. You can work with words.  SHEEP # 1: As a wise sheep once said, you can’t edit an empty page.  SHEEP #2: Who said that? WRITER: Wasn’t it you? SHEEP #2: It probably was. I’m very wise. SHEEP #1: And humble. SHEEP #2: Yes. Yes, this is true. WRITER: But I want it to be perfect. So I write the same paragraph over and over. I never get beyond Chapter One. SHEEP #2: ...

“In like a lion, out like a lamb” Old Saying  Welcome to March - the month which does march toward spring or toward winter depending on where you live. Digression: How wonderful to be able to write something which can be read all over the world by just pressing a button - huzzah for the internet. In the spirit of the old saying at the top of this post, I’ve thought of a few fun ways for you to discover your writing style: Are you a lion or a lamb? Digression: Please remember that I am the creator of the Writing Sheep, so I may have a slight prejudice. Sheep #1: That’s not a baaaad thing. Me: Shhhh.  You may be a lion writer if… You roar through your drafts. You're male and have long hair. You’re female and you do the killing Hey - that’s me!   Sheep #2: EXCUSE ME??? Me: Shhhhh. You like to be the boss. Your writing is wise and powerful.  Okay, I admit it. My writing has never been described with those terms. Bring on the sheep....

Sheep #1:  It's time. Writer:  No. Sheep #2:  It's really time. Writer:  Go away. Sheep #3:  Actually it's way  past  time. Writer:  Go far  far  away. Sheep #1:  (blares trumpet) Time to get to work! Time to press that nose to the grindstone!  Writer:  That would leave a mark. Sheep #2:  We're not being literal. Writer : Oh. Sheep #2:  Remember " Time and the hour run through the roughest day ". Writer:  Now you're quoting Shakespeare? Sheep #1:  Why not? We're learned. Sheep #2:  Don't judge us harshly just because we're sheep. Sheep #3 : We bite. Writer:  I thought you were meek. Sheep #3:  (snorts) Seriously? Sheep #1 : Remember " I wasted time and now doth time waste me ". Sheep #2:  Richard II. Sheep #3:  Act 5, sce...

SHEEP #1: Ahem. Silence. SHEEP #1: Ahem. Silence. SHEEP #1: Are you there? WRITER: Sorry. I wasn’t paying attention. SHEEP #1: I can’t say that doesn’t hurt. SHEEP #2: But you just did. SHEEP #1: Don’t be so literal. WRITER: Let’s not go there. I’m paying attention now.  SHEEP #1: You made me ‘ahem.’ WRITER: Sorry. SHEEP #1: Twice. WRITER: I’m sorry. SHEEP #1: And that’s it? No groveling? No present? No insincere promises that you’ll try harder? WRITER: Hey, I don’t make insincere promises. SHEEP #2: Should I remind you of the 2,500 word a day promise? WRITER: No. SHEEP #1: How about the ‘I’ll have this manuscript ready for beta readers by Christmas’ promise? WRITER: ( cringing ) Stop. SHEEP #2: You are the Queen of insincere promises. WRITER: But it’s spring. Aren’t I allowed a touch of spring fever? SHEEP #1: You’ve had it. WRITER: When? SHEEP #1: The ‘ahem’ debacle. WRITER: Tha...

VOICE IN THE DARKNESS: I’m heeere. WRITER: Where? VOICE IN THE DARKNESS: In the darkness. Writer switches on light. SHEEP: There you go. WRITER: (points) It’s you. You’re back . SHEEP: I never left. I’ve been waiting. (turns in a circle) Look at me! Aren’t I magnificent? WRITER: You’re certainly…. SHEEP: Yes? WRITER: Wait. I’m searching for the right word. SHEEP: (sighs) That’s not a good sign. WRITER: Shhhh. Wooly. That’s the word. SHEEP: I was going for luxuriant, but wooly will do. WRITER: Why are you so wooly? SHEEP: Because, it’s time to shear. Shear me. WRITER: But all that wool-growing must have taken time. SHEEP: It did. Weeks. Months. Concentrated hours of growing. Great swathes of time devoted to lengthening the wool.  WRITER: And you want me to shear you? SHEEP: This wool isn’t doing me any good. It’s hot. It’s tangled.  How can it get made into stylish garments or accessories if it stays attach...

Every writer edits. Some edit as they go, some save it for later, some do it for a living . Whenever I head down that ol' editing highway, my writing sheep come along for the ride.  Sheep #1 : This is cheating. Sheep #2:  It is, you know. Writer:  Why is this cheating? I'm writing. Sheep #3:  But this is dialogue. You like writing dialogue. It comes easily for you. FOUL!!! Sheep #1:  You should be working on her prose. Sheep #2 : It does need work. Sheep #3:  And we're being kind. Writer:  I'm  aware work is needed. I've been searching and destroying her repetitive words. Sheep #1:  We know. We've named one of us 'Just' and another one 'That'. ( lifts front hoof and points to the left ) See that sheep over there? The one with the bland expression? Writer:  Aren't most sheep's expressions bland? Sheep #2:  That was uncalled for. ...

A bright light turns on. A group of sheep are discovered huddled in a corner, sleeping. Sheep #1: HEY! Sheep #2: Who turned on the light? Writer: Sorry. That was me. Sheep #1: We’re sleeping here. Sheep #2: We’re still recovering from our Thanksgiving dinner. Writer: Thanksgiving? Sheep #1: It was Thanksgiving this past weekend in Canada. We’re Canadian sheep. Sheep #2: Except for Nigel. He’s English. Nigel: Team GB! Sheep #1: Ignore him. He’s reliving the Olympics. Writer: They were very good games. Sheep #1: Anyway, what can we do for you? Make it snappy. We’re tired, we’re Canadian and there’s no hockey. Writer: No hockey? Sheep #2: (whispering) The lock-out. We don’t speak of it. Writer: Sorry again. Sheep #1: Another apology? Are you Canadian? Writer: I wanted to ask about location. Sheep #2: As in where to buy?  Sheep #1: We’re not the real estate sheep. You’ve clicked on the wrong blog. ...

Silence. Darkness. WRITER: ( timidly ) Hello? Silence. WRITER: ( louder ) Hello? Silence WRITER: ( even loude r) Is anyone here? There is the flash of a match being struck and a lantern lit in the distance. A white shape becomes visible. SHEEP #1: Yes? WRITER: Are you one of the writing sheep? SHEEP #1: Yes. WRITER: I thought you lived somewhere else. SHEEP #2: ( moving into the lantern's glow ) We’re everywhere. SHEEP #3:  If you need us, we will come. SHEEP #1: That’s dangerously close to plagiarism. SHEEP #2: It’s a phrase which has become part of the vernacular. It's  a huge compliment to the author of said phrase. WRITER: Can they not handle the truth? SHEEP #3: ( pointing a hoof ) Don’t start. SHEEP #2: Ignore them. ( takes a step forward ) How can we help? WRITER: I just wondered… SHEEP #1: Don’t use that word. WRITER: What word? Wondered? SHEEP #1: No; just.  ...