Photo by Eduardo Arenas Former contributor Audrey Lintner graced us with her humor for many years here at the Blood-Red Pencil, not least in her guise as the most prolific of our Style Mavens . But her hilarious story about her swashbuckling paper route tops it all. Read on to find out why you should never mess with Audrey. A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Mailbox... Audrey Lintner does her best to find humor in almost every situation, unless you want to talk about the morning that her husband announced that there was no coffee. When she has time to write, she posts columns as The Procraftinator . Audrey also provides copy and line edits, beta reading, and friendly suggestions at reasonable rates. Contact her via Alto Editing Services .  

CMOS expert Audrey Lintner joined the Blood-Red Pencil in 2012 and lends her breezy sense of humor to the Style Maven column. Multi-talented Audrey brings the attention to detail and precision of a spinner and knitter to her editing work. Audrey's top articles on the Blood-Red Pencil Style Maven: That Which Confuses Us Style Maven: Pucker Up Your Ellipses! Hot Under the Collar about Cold, Hard Cash To My Valentine, the Deadline A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Mailbox... Not-so-fancy Dress Find out more about Audrey's editing services at ALTO Editing on Facebook .

Hello, dearies! I'm so pleased to visit with you again, though it must be a draft and dash. Contrary to popular belief (Pool boy, my left stiletto; there's only the gardener on alternate Thursdays!), I've had a very good reason to be away---I'm in recovery from a rather nasty run-in with a spider. How does one deal with pain? By writing through it, often with careful misdirection by means of humor. It can be a way of looking on the bright side of things, such as the fact that a nasty flesh wound on the leg gives one a perfect excuse to wear a flowing, non-chafing sarong. With that in mind, here is my woeful tale. Image courtesy of Medical News Today THE BOOK OF LOXOSCELES In the beginning was the recluse bite. It was red and angry, and gave rise to many symptoms, of which great pain was one. And the patient went therefore unto the physician and said, "Lo, this sucketh heartily." The physician agreed, and gave unto the patient acetaminophen, and it ...

Costumes are great conversation starters. “Oo, that’s so clever!” “Love the fabric; where’d you get it?” “Okay, I give up. What the expletive deleted are you supposed to be?” When you venture into the world of reenacting, those friendly conversations can take a sudden and ugly shift from helpful hints about keeping your pinner apron in place to screaming debates about how long to soak metal buttons in urine in order to achieve an authentic patina. No, I’m not kidding . I fall on the less-hardcore end of the historical garb spectrum, mostly due to a lack of funding and closet space. While I’d certainly consider donating an extraneous organ or two for something like this: most of the stuff in my costume closet comes straight from vintage Vogue and McCall patterns. No biggie, since my appearance isn’t that important. I spend most of my reenactment time chatting to kids who are fascinated by my spinning wheel, while their parents are giggling and taking vi...

On the outside, I'm staring blankly at the screen, my fingers frozen on the keys as my once-steaming cup of coffee congeals. On the inside, I'm hurling enough blistering invective at the neighborhood dogs to turn any listeners within a three-block radius into pillars of salt. The barking is driving me nuts. Come on, focus. Wonder Woman; I'm supposed to be writing something about how Wonder Woman relates to my writing. Psht. Yeah. I wonder  how I ever get anything done; how about that? Hey, that could work. How does Wonder (insert gender here) manage to do All The Things without collapsing in a sobbing heap at the bottom of a carton of Dark Chocolate Caramel Espresso* ice cream? Ah, I see that you are now on the edge of your seat, hoping that I will reveal either The Secret or the location of said ice cream. Truth be told, they are one and the same. In two words: self care. Back when my husband was diagnosed with the second of six cancers (I tell you, he'...

Photo by Eduardo Arenas Sometimes it's not the tale, but the telling. Descriptions add flavor and depth and humor to an otherwise boring story, like the time I pulled a sword on a newspaper customer. Okay, so maybe it doesn't sound all that  boring, but compare that single line with the fully-detailed version: ***THE FOLLOWING IS 100 PERCENT ABSOLUTELY TRUE*** See, I used to have a paper route. Not the nice and tidy kind that involves a bicycle and a few city blocks. No, this was one hundred twenty miles a day, six days a week, on gravel roads. When the weather was good, my job was very, very good. When the weather was bad, it sucked. I inherited the job from a lady who quit without notice. I got a list of names and addresses, plus a lovely BLANK county map. Here, blank means "without any kind of house markings," but it might also mean a swear. Actually, yeah. It made me swear a lot. My first day on the job took nine hours. Nine stinking...

My dearest darling Deadline, you keep my focus clear by pestering my conscience as submission time draws near. I never have to wonder what I’m gonna do today, for each idea that sounds like fun must needs be thrust away. “Oh, no you don’t!” you counsel, “You cannot run around. You’ve got to get that blog post done; it’s time to buckle down.” I took a call this morning; my friend was free for lunch. You stopped that plan before its start, “No time! We’re in a crunch!” I thrill to hear your nagging, it leaves me overjoyed. Although it sucks to be stuck home, at least I’m still employed. You’re shrill and you’re annoying; you fill my mind with shame. But since you keep me on my toes, I love you just the same. And so, beloved Deadline, to you I’ve penned this ode. I could be having fun right now, but you’re my constant goad. When she's not dealing with deadlines, Audrey Lintner loves to bake, especially if...

There’s an old joke in the music biz: How do you make a small fortune as a musician? Start with a large one. The same can be said for the publishing industry. In most industries, a worker, be they hourly, salaried, contract, or freelance, makes an agreement with The Boss to do X job for X amount of pay. When the job is done, the check is signed. If you’re an author or a copy writer, things get a little hazy. You may have to sell a certain number of books before you see a dime, or the company with which you signed may be a small start-up with limited capital. Either way, it is incredibly disheartening to see your hard work devalued and dismissed. “Oh, you want to get paid? Hey, look over there!” So what do you do if you feel that you’ve been stiffed? There are a number of approaches. Mine involves stomping around the house while grumbling and swearing, followed by downing a few shots of chocolate syrup. Seriously, though. You can take the Ralph Kramden Approac...

In a recent blog post, Joe Konrath, a successful indie author, wrote a response to James Patterson's commentary about the death of traditional publishing being the death of literature. One of the points Patterson made in an ad he ran in the New York Times was that without traditional publishing there would be no quality control over what is published. Actually, he inferred that there might be no more books, quality or not. Konrath wrote that just because the publishing paradigm is shifting, the future of literature is quite safe. As to the issue of quality control, Konrath pointed out that there are good freelance editors - ahem, those of us here at The Blood Red Pencil among them - as well as critique groups and beta readers to help writers maintain a high standard of writing. You can read Konrath's entire post on his blog, A Newbie's Guide to Publishing.   When I read Konrath's article, I found it supportive of the post Terry Odell did here last month on the value...

  Greetings, all! It’s been a regular whirlwind here at Maven Central. Phone calls, appointments, and all manner of other fun and exciting things have been going on. Such a schedule can be hard on a gal if she’s not prepared. Luckily for your Style Maven, there are dandy reversible pieces for the wardrobe that can double as work wear and play clothes. Language often follows, er, suit when it comes to double duty. Words that spend many years as nouns gradually take on verb status. Words like husband , or Google , or the recently fashionable mainstream leap to mind; I’m sure that you can think of plenty of examples yourself. This kind of shift is nothing new. Ages before beloved comic strip character Calvin described the fun of “verbing” words, speakers were bending language to fit their needs. The CMOS states that the word husband went from a noun to a verb somewhere between the years 1220 and 1420. Where there is language, there is bound to be change. Dialect ...

CONTINUING SERIES - 18 Stories! 15 Authors! Talk About A Project! The Corner Cafe: A Tasty Collection of Short Stories is riding high in sales, after a spectacular performance at its first freebie weekend on June 9 and June 10, 2012. The book is ready, but the work's not over. Dani Greer, owner of The Blood-Red Pencil, along with Morgan Mandel, Helen Ginger, Maryann Miller, Shonell Bacon, and Audrey Lintner, all contributors to the collection and members of The Blood-Red Pencil, are sharing our ongoing experiences with you about the project in this series. Perhaps, what we've discovered will aid you in your own endeavors. Today, Audrey Lintner,our Style Maven, shares her views on the project. Her contribution is the short story, "The Consequences of Breaking and Entering," in which Goldilocks gets an update and her comeuppance. Connect with Audrey Lintner  Here on her Amazon Author page. 1) What surprised you about this endeavor? I think the thing that sur...

Good morning, duckies! Lace up your tan shoes with pink shoelaces, because polka-dot vests are in style today. They’re the perfect attire to compliment complement today’s subject, the ill-used and underestimated ellipsis. As defined by The Chicago Manual of Style , “An ellipsis is the omission of a word, phrase, line, paragraph, or more from a quoted passage.”   Such an omission is indicated by those familiar little spaced dots called ellipsis points.   When used to illustrate suspended thought, they go by the imaginative title of suspension points. I suppose simpler can be better , but still . . . So, how do we use these points?   I could go on and on (just ask my husband), but I’ll try to finish before your coffee gets cold.   There are enough rules regarding these things that we can come back on another day for more details. Let’s start with omission and the not-so-noble art of taking things out of context.   Suppose you’re a fashion designer, eage...