Five "Show Don't Tell" Danger Zones

Showing is illustrated through actions and interiority rather than the author telling us how the character is reacting and behaving.

Here are five danger zones to watch out for.

1. Action: Don't tell us what a character does; describe what constitutes the action.

Telling: Dick worked hard.

Showing: Dick wiped the sweat from his face with his sleeve. He lifted the axe and swung: thunk, swipe, thunk. The chunk of wood sheared into small pieces. Each blow reverberated through his shoulders and back.

Telling: Jane walked quickly through the aisles, tossing in items without looking at them.

Showing: Jane strode down the aisles, grabbing boxes of cereal and crackers and cans of soup, reaching for familiar colors and logos, more concerned about getting back to the case than her menu plans for the week.

2. Emotions: Show the emotion, don't name it.

Telling: Jane felt sad.

Showing: Jane sat at her desk, staring at the coffee ring on the scarred surface. She traced the stain with her finger as tears slid down her cheek and landed in the faded circle.

Telling: Dick was tired.

Showing: Dick slumped in the recliner, kicked off his loafers, and loosened his tie. He stared at the blank television screen. He didn't bother to turn it on.

3. Character Description: Don't tell us a character is (insert generic adjective - ugly, pretty, fat, thin). Describe the character in a fresh, not cliché, way. What about her is pretty or ugly? What does the point of view character consider pretty or ugly? What is attractive to one person might not be to another.

Telling: The dead hooker looked like a child dressed up for Halloween.

Showing: The victim was slightly built and a smidge over four-foot tall. Her clothes were loose, as if she were playing dress up in her mother's clothes, and the garish makeup was  inexpertly applied. She was more lost little girl than professional woman of the night.

Telling: Dick was a powerfully built man. He drew everyone’s attention when he entered the room.

Showing: Dick strode into the bar. The crowd parted to allow him through. Conversations stopped mid-sentence. His wide shoulders brushed onlookers as he passed, sloshing the beer from their mugs.

4. Description of setting.

Telling: The place was a dump.

Showing: Leftovers, half-empty cups, and discarded food wrappers littered the fifties-era furnishings and orange shag carpet.

Telling: The city was ultra-modern, cold, and austere.

Showing: Mirrored glass buildings rose skyward like jagged icicles. Everything else was gray concrete, even the traffic signs were black and white.The only color came from the occasional tattered billboard, probably relics the city had not yet torn down.

5. Adjectives and adverbs.
Look for bland descriptive words like: attractive, dumb, embarrassing, fabulous, fascinating, handsome, hilarious, mad, powerful, pretty, smart, stunning, stupid, tired, and ugly.

Use strong verbs instead of adverbs. Passive verbs are also key indicators: is, am, are, be, being, been, can, could, do, does, did, has, had, is, may, might, must, shall, should, was, were, will.

Telling: He was in a hurry to get there.

Showing: He rushed through the crowd, elbowing and shoving where needed.

Telling: He was walking to the park.

Showing: He strolled to the park. (or) He raced to the park.

Telling is fertile ground for clichés. Make it fresh.

When relating information, it is important to keep in mind which character is narrating the information. Unless you are writing omniscient POV, the scene is being played out in front of a specific character. Use your character's inner voice to describe what is happening in the scene.

For more information on revision and showing versus telling check out:

Story Building Blocks III: The Revision Layers e-book

Story Building Blocks III: The Revision Layers paperback

Diana Hurwitz is the author of Story Building Blocks: The Four Layers of Conflict, Story Building Blocks II: Crafting Believable Conflict, Story Building Blocks III: The Revision Layers, and the YA adventure series Mythikas Island. Her weekly blog, Game On: Crafting Believable Conflict explores how characters behave and misbehave. Visit DianaHurwitz.com for more information and free writing tools. You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter.