Afraid of success? We can fix that.
Are you tired of succeeding in this writing game? Below is my tried-and-true 12-step method of making sure you don't get stuck working as a professional writer for the rest of your life.
1. Turn off grammar and spellcheck in your writing program. Spell words however the hell you want to spell them. It's your work. Be exprimental and break boundaries. Rules are for suckers.
2. Don't write more than two drafts of any particular work. More than two and you'll lose the magic. Be raw.
3. Disregard critical comments your critique group partners and beta readers make. It's all due to jealousy anyway.
4. List all the agents you've queried on your blog, and their response times, so other writers will know not to query agents who take too long.
5. When you query an agent and the agent declines to read a full or a partial, let her know what a golden opportunity she has missed out on. When you're famous, instant karma will get her.
6. If an agent does request a full, email him daily for updates. They like those continuous reminders.
7. Write lots of blog posts criticizing other authors. This will boost your own popularity. Be sure to attack these other authors for their personal beliefs; don't make it so much about the work. Everyone else comments about the work, so you
need to stand out.
8. You got an agent! My condolences. Be prepared to fight tooth and nail when she or the editor suggests "improvements" to your manuscript. It's your baby; don't let anyone mess with it.
9. You got a book deal! My condolences. Now take a few months off. You've earned it.
10. Quit your day job. The royalty money is going to start rolling in soon, so take out a loan to float you until then.
11. You can stop blogging now. All that hard work you did building your platform is finally over!
12. When you're published, respond to those 1-star Amazon reviews so potential readers will know those other guys just didn't get it.
And that's it! When my twelve-step method works for you, be sure to drop a comment in the section to say thank you. And you're welcome, by the way.
|Jim Heskett is a writer of short fiction, long fiction, and the snarkiest blog posts in three states. You can currently find him slaving away at a laptop in an undisclosed location in Broomfield, Colorado. More details about current and future projects at JimHeskett.com|