Time to wind down this awful year. Hopefully 2021 will treat us all a little better. Here at The Blood-Red Pencil, we thought we would try and lighten things up a bit for the last month of the year, and showcase the best of our humorous posts. Elspeth's Writing Sheep   Elspeth Futcher kept us all entertained for many years with her wonderful sense of humour. We featured Elspeth's writing sheep and top posts in 2019's December re-run ( see this post for a bind-up of all her writing sheep entries ), so today we're highlighting another of her funnies that didn't make the cut last year. Amazon Dangers   Amazon River image by Jon Rawlinson , via Flickr Amazon-the-mega-bookstore and The Amazon (the river) have more in common than you might think, including the: " Anaconda - the world’s largest and heaviest snake. Can grow as long as 30 feet eating up to 30 pounds of prey a day. On Amazon, the Anaconda would be the newest release by John Grisham or Stephen Ki...

Elspeth Futcher was a member of the Blood-Red Pencil from 2010 to 2018. She is a playwright and a bestselling author of murder mystery games. Elspeth's humorous 'Writing Sheep' posts were a favorite here as well as appearing in the European writers' magazine Elias . Elspeth's latest releases Tension is high inside the big white tent because it’s time for this year’s bakers to face judgment and elimination. But wait! Stop those timers! Our esteemed judge, Shaw G. Bottom has just been discovered dead in the judge’s tent. The bread round just turned into the dead round. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall…but no! Humpty didn’t fall. He was pushed! Which of these familiar fairy tale and nursery rhyme characters is the perpetrator? Can you solve this scrambled case? Every member of Griffin Patrol was having a good time on their current camping trip … until Peg Puller didn’t show up when the dinner gong sounded. She was disco...

Q: What are you sharing on the blog today? A: How I write murder mystery events. Q: Why? A: People seem curious as to what’s involved. Q: In writing one? A. Yes. Not in attending one. Geesh. Q: Don’t be snippy. How will you describe the writing process? A: That it’s an odd mixture of writing a detailed book synopsis and a play. Q: Why do you describe it as a detailed book synopsis? A: Because you need a very detailed plot and setting. The characters/suspects must ring true as each of them has to have a believable motive for murder. Q: Why do you describe it as a play? A: Because I write all the questions and the answers. Each suspect has to answer the question in a voice which is different to all the others employing a different rhythm with a different vocabulary. However, unlike a play, I have no idea which answer is going to follow which. So setting up jokes can be tricky. I have to make the jokes in the one suspect’s speech…or over a number of speeches. Hurra...

This post was first published here on January 12, 2011. You know you're having a bad writing day when... •You're convinced that blanking, blinking cursor is mocking you. You can almost hear it saying "Not...writing...not...writing..." •Your pet has crawled up into your lap, looked at your work, and yawned. •You've pulled out a calculator and (for fun) figured out how many hours you've spent on this particular manuscript. WARNING: This knowledge will have you (no matter the hour) reaching for a bottle. • You decide to take a short break from writing. Days pass. • You realize your decision to write on the computer was an error as you have no physical paper to rip from the typewriter, crumble up into a ball and hurl across the room. • You have worn a pathway across the carpet with your pacing. • Cleaning the oven with a toothbrush seems like a more efficient use of your time. • You decide to close your eyes and just type - who knows something ...

Daily Medieval What is in your protagonist's refrigerator or larder? When or how do they shop? You've got 5 minutes. Go! Posted by Elspeth Futcher Game: " Which Guide Lied? " Twitter | Facebook

Image by Rockandbacon , via Flickr Look at yourself right now. What are you wearing? Clothes of some sort, right? If the answer is ‘no’ well, that’s a post for a different time. However, let us assume that there is clothing of some type draped about your form. Work clothes. Stay at home clothes. I’m not feeling well and this is comfortable clothes. Gardening clothes. Cleaning out the garage clothes…you get the picture. Clothes are the outer signs of your role for the day or night. Sleeping? Baking? Making a court appearance? There are clothes for that. There are clothes which identify your work role. Nurse. Lab technician. Judge. Surgeon. Armed forces personnel. All clothes - not costumes. A costume isn’t your clothes. It’s something you have to get accustomed to wearing. It’s different. It could be awkward to wear; maybe it’s long or heavy. It might be something you wear on a special occasion. Whatever it might be, it’s unusual for you to be wearing it. You’re aware o...

The Writing Sheep posts, by British playwright Elspeth Futcher   The first instalment of  Elspeth's Writing Sheep , in which the sheep point out to the writer that time spent on Facebook might not be time well spent. October's Visit to the Writing Sheep , featuring the first appearance of Nigel, the British sheep. The Lighter Side of Editing , in which the sheep express their desire to drive a red car.  Shear Your Darlings , because how can wool get made into stylish garments or accessories if it stays attached? Pay Attention!  Give your writing the respect it deserves. Shakespearean Writing Encouragement , because it's time to get to work. Your Writing Style: Are You a Lion or a Lamb?  Do you 'roar' through your first drafts, or are you a little fearful of the blank page? Writers Write , in which the sheep explain that going around in circles will make you dizzy. Dialogue Tips from the Writing Sheep : Good dialogue is indistinguishable from normal conversation....

EXT. A fenced meadow. Three sheep are grazing. More are in deep background. The WRITER approaches. The sheep raise their heads . SHEEP #1: Stay there. WRITER: Here? Outside the fence? SHEEP #3: Yes. WRITER: Why? SHEEP #2: Respect our boundaries. WRITER: Sure. SHEEP #1: We need to talk. SHEEP #2: To be clear, she means we need to talk to you; not that we need to talk. SHEEP #3: We can talk anytime we wish. SHEEP #1: Which we do. SHEEP #2: Often. SHEEP #3: Sometimes about you. SHEEP #1: Concerned? WRITER: Not particularly. Why do you need to talk to me? SHEEP #2: Why? SHEEP #3: Because it’s in our nature, I suppose. SHEEP #1: We are very helpful. SHEEP #2: We are, aren’t we? SHEEP #3: Very. SHEEP #1: There should be statues of us across the country. SHEEP #2: The world.  WRITER: I suppose I meant ‘what’. What do you want to talk to me about? SHEEP #3: Do we want to talk to her? SHEEP #1: Not really. It’s more an obligation than...

I have always been first and foremost an actor. Yes, I’m writing this but I’m an actor who writes. To be precise a comedic actor. I am never happier than when I’ve earned the audience’s laughter; it’s a giant hug of warmth. Comedy isn’t easy. It’s all about timing. Say the line too fast and you lose your laugh. Say it too slow and you get the same result. Not getting an expected laugh is rather like tripping; you’re not hurt, but you feel rather foolish. That said (or wrote, I suppose), every audience is different. Although smaller audiences are less likely to laugh, once they get started, they’re fine. The getting started part may take time, though. Everyone is afraid they’ll be the only ones laughing. I’ve known actors who get people to come and laugh so the risk of being the first to laugh is taken off the table. Seriously. People do this. It’s a thing. You also can’t get a laugh by yourself (unless you’re doing stand-up, of course, which is a unicorn of a completely di...

Illustration by R. Crap Mariner , via Flickr Did you wake up? If yes - Your life could be either. Continue the quiz.       If your answer was no, please let me know how you’re reading this. Who made your breakfast? If the someone was human: NON FICTION. If the someone was a house elf or woodland creature: FICTION.       Note: If your situation is the latter; when was the last time you gave them a pay raise? Just a soupçon of non-fiction in your fictional life. You dragged yourself to the computer and are sitting there now with a large mug of coffee/tea, reading this post because you are procrastinating: NON FICTION.  You danced to your computer and are reading this post before noon because 5,000 words have already flowed onto your keyboard and you’re taking a wee break before you spew out another 5,000 before creating a gourmet meal with organic vegetables from your garden: FICTION. Your pet sits at your feet/on your lap/on your keyboard de...

Photo by Abi Skipp , via Flickr Each of us knows the pain. We sit at our desk/dining table/log in the woods, inhale, and poise our fingers to tap-dance across our keyboards. Nothing comes. We exhale, crinkle our noses, and reposition our hands. Still nothing. Here are methods which have worked for me. Love them…use them…throw them aside. Have a bath. Words flow. However, if you haven’t brought a pen/paper with you and have it resting on the tub’s edge/handy table, those words will disappears as quickly as the water down the drain. Go for a drive. I learned this technique from a writer-friend. It does work. I talk to myself and talk my way out of the problem. However, use a recording app or something similar. Writing notes and driving is not recommended. I also keep a pad of paper and pen in the car to record sporadic inspirations….once I’ve reached my destination of course! Safety first. Walk. Not an amble or a stroll... a walk. Swing those arms. Turn on that recordin...

1. The leftovers lurking in the back of your fridge are old. What’s new are the fuzzy tentacles spreading their way across its surface. What to do? Your house, your rules.  2. My cat is old. His ways of dealing with the younger new-to-us cats is resigned acceptance. You can almost hear him muttering “Youths….”. He’d roll his eyes if he could. I feel sure of this.  3. The resolution to eat healthier is an old one for many of us. I approach it in a new way by defining ‘healthier’ as ‘happier’. Hey. My house, my rules.  4. Many resolve to eat one new food a day. I did this; I tried chocolate-dipped red liquorice. Don’t judge, it was a gift. And…resolution successful.  5. The other old resolution is to exercise more. My new take is to concentrate on the ‘more’. Remember, one more step is more. Resolution successful.  6. I have a constant old problem with procrastination. This year I’m trying a new approach, which I’ll write down soon.  7. I had an o...

Choosing hydrogen as the gas to inflate an airship. Introducing rabbits to Australia. They had no natural predator on the continent and rabbits breed like…well, you know.  Rejecting the first Harry Potter book. You have to wonder if those 12 publishing firms have gotten over it yet. You also have to wonder if the acquisitions editor responsible at all the firms is still employed.  Ireland. After conquering England, a Norman stood on a west coast cliff, saw a distant shadow of land and thought, "Close enough. Let's have it too."  Deciding the aesthetics of uninterrupted deck space was of greater importance to its first class passengers than the number of lifeboats on the Titanic. Invading Russia. For some reason, armies tend to forget that it's a big country and winter is coming. Russian winter. Vietnam. Enough said, really. Deciding to follow George Donner and James Reed and abandon a well-known wagon train route known as the California Trail in favour of a...

SHEEP #1: Is that you? WRITER: Are you talking to me? SHEEP #1: Yes. SHEEP #2: Where have you been? SHEEP #1: You’re rather late. WRITER: But… SHEEP #2: Time to write! WRITER: But… SHEEP #1: But what? SHEEP #2: You're not a goat. Stop butting. WRITER: Writing is hard. SHEEP#2: Are you a writer? WRITER: Yes. SHEEP #2:  Then write. WRITER: It’s not that easy.  SHEEP #3: Yes, it is. Write.  SHEEP #2: It doesn’t have to be perfect.  SHEEP #1: Let’s be honest, it won’t be perfect. It will never be perfect.  SHEEP #2: But it will be words. You can work with words.  SHEEP # 1: As a wise sheep once said, you can’t edit an empty page.  SHEEP #2: Who said that? WRITER: Wasn’t it you? SHEEP #2: It probably was. I’m very wise. SHEEP #1: And humble. SHEEP #2: Yes. Yes, this is true. WRITER: But I want it to be perfect. So I write the same paragraph over and over. I never get beyond Chapter One. SHEEP #2: ...

To write, you need to focus. You can write anywhere - in a coffee shop, at your dining room table, on the train - but you need to concentrate on the words you’re putting on the screen or the page not on the world around you. You need - -   Question: What colour does a Smurf turn if you choke it? - - - to shut your mind to distractions. To immerse yourself in the world you are creating on the page. You must listen to your characters. Discover their rhythms. Their flaws. Their - -   Question: Why is the letter called ‘double u’ when its two ‘v’s joined together?  - - motivations. Every character is unique because so is every writer. We all crave different surroundings. Some write best while listening to music. Many require silence. Others write while surrounded by people, while a number crave solitude. But all writers - - -   Question: Why do we press harder on the tv remote when the batteries are dead?  - - - must develop discipline. You must b...

Amazon River image by Jon Rawlinson , via Flickr This month here at the noble Blood-Red Pencil we are writing about Amazon the giant bookstore/publisher. But of course, there’s that other Amazon - the river and surrounding rainforest - not to mention the legendary race of female warriors. More on them later. No one would launch a boat onto the Amazon without preparation - why would you treat the digital publisher with any less respect? Both arenas are home to: Anaconda - the world’s largest and heaviest snake. Can grow as long as 30 feet eating up to 30 pounds of prey a day. On Amazon, the Anaconda would be the newest release by John Grisham or Stephen King. Jaguar - a solitary killer that climbs trees as a vantage point when hunting prey prior to pouncing on their target. On Amazon, the jaguar is the person who hunts new successful authors and gives them one star reviews. Piranhas - Perhaps the most famous danger of the Amazon River, red-bellied piranhas are actually sca...

Image by 白士 李 via Flickr When a man reaches for a book, its genre is not usually romance. This is a fact. However, some men do. Brave men. Confident men. Men who have moved beyond being a MR to being a MRR: a Man Reading Romance. (Tweet) An MRR is difficult to spot in the wild as they have developed excellent camouflage skills. Further study is needed. Some might say (correctly) that the following are yoga positions. But I suggest they are also positions formed by the illusive MRR.  Downward Facing Dog - While walking the dog, the man has his head down reading a romance on a mobile device.  Warrior Pose - The most confident MRR pose. He will fight for his right to read his romance.  Boat Pose - A pose often adopted by a new MRR. He will be found alone on a boat in the middle of a lake. There may be fishing gear for further camouflage.   Half Lord of the Fishes Pose - A pose for the bolder MRR. He has now progressed to reading the romance on a river...

There could be two interpretations for this title; how to write a resolution, or resolutions about writing. In honour of this new shiny year, I’ve tried to embrace both. 10. Phrase your intention in a positive way. Don’t say ‘I will lose weight’; say ‘I will have a 30 inch waist’. 9. Make it Achievable. To reach the top of the mountain you have to climb for days. It’s not a journey completed in one step. Neither is writing a book or a play or whatever your project may be.  8. Resolve to do something that makes you smile. If thinking about it makes you happy, you’ve got a better chance of following through. If your first thought is “Oh crap” (or something less G-rated), I’d wager you have a smaller chance of success. 7. Keep it Simple. 6. Privacy is Good. No one needs to know your resolutions…unless you need peer pressure to keep them. On the one hand, I understand this. On the other hand, it mades me nervous for your success. 5. Just Do It. Nike is right. 4. Don’t m...

Take your fingers off the keyboard and put down your pens. Let’s have a moment of silence for these 10 brave writers...lost, but never forgotten. Aldo Itmaselph - the writer who insisted on working alone. No editor. No beta-readers. Just him. Althea Thoone - the writer who spent more time having coffee with writers’ groups than actually writing. Candice P. Love - the writer so in love with her own work that she found it impossible to part with it. Collette A Day - the writer who gave up. Haile Improbable - the writer whose plots overflowed with timely coincidences. Horace Cope - the writer who would only write if the ‘signs were right’. Maura Applause - the writer who wrote only to get praise. Barry D’Alive - a writer who took personal research that one step too far… Bess Sellars - the writer crippled by the fear of Book Number Two. Myra Gret - a writer who wanted to write, but never found the time. Elspeth Futcher is an author and playwright. T hi...

Writers! Did you know that each of your beloved manuscripts has the capability of evolving into monsters? It’s true. Here’s a list to help you identify which monster(s) are lurking near you right now. Be still. Can you hear their breathing? 10. The Vampire . This is the manuscript which refuses to die. It has merit - one might even say it has teeth. It prefers to be written at night. Don’t eat steak while you’re working on this manuscript.  9. The Good Witch . This manuscript allows you to ‘go home’. It deals with familiar subject matter and may contain recipes for cookies. However, it does tend to talk in riddles and can send you down roads leading to lions, tigers, and bears.  8. The Bad Witch . This manuscript is often tied with the Good Witch manuscript. It could be the sequel or the same plot, but told from the POV of a different character. This manuscript can fly (which is good) but it also likes to be in control. Don’t drink water while you’re working on this ...