tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5704943052235281766.post3372056630324632058..comments2024-03-29T05:45:39.184-06:00Comments on Blood-Red Pencil: Show vs. TellDanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14471919576687777886noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5704943052235281766.post-31180894529602666742009-04-15T22:43:00.000-06:002009-04-15T22:43:00.000-06:00Thanks for including the link to my post. It is so...Thanks for including the link to my post. It is so much more effective to show and not tell. Show not tell does get easier the more you do it.<br /><br />Morgan Mandel<br />http://morganmandel.blogspot.comMorgan Mandelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10118929301591850918noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5704943052235281766.post-49367868713291912222009-04-15T21:18:00.000-06:002009-04-15T21:18:00.000-06:00Great post. I enjoyed reading it and was glad to ...Great post. I enjoyed reading it and was glad to see you refer to other B-RP contributor examples as well. <br />Jenny<br />http://theinnerbean.blogspot.com/Jenny Melzerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11235663870008150355noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5704943052235281766.post-2577475895743633172009-04-15T18:33:00.000-06:002009-04-15T18:33:00.000-06:00I hear an echo in here. (Smile) Thanks for the lin...I hear an echo in here. (Smile) Thanks for the link to my post, and RIGHT ON with this post, Charlotte.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5704943052235281766.post-28789528385244112312009-04-15T11:03:00.000-06:002009-04-15T11:03:00.000-06:00Maryann, I'm glad to have another chance to ask yo...Maryann, I'm glad to have another chance to ask you about your previous column. Here's the example you gave:<br /><br />"Doc ran his hands over a face haggard with fatigue. He looked like a man who had been on call for two days."<br /><br />You later added:<br /><br />"...the POV was from another character looking at Doc."<br /><br />I then asked:<br /><br />"And if it hadn't been, would you consider "felt" acceptable?"<br /><br />From the character's POV and not someone else's, how would you avoid the dreaded "felt" in your example?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5704943052235281766.post-31174040384472092862009-04-15T10:10:00.000-06:002009-04-15T10:10:00.000-06:00Great post!Great post!Akumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00016334294585009034noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5704943052235281766.post-42388504631295177702009-04-15T09:20:00.000-06:002009-04-15T09:20:00.000-06:00Nice post, Charlotte. I could just see that instru...Nice post, Charlotte. I could just see that instructor yelling at you. What a great way to show her anger and frustration. :-)<br /><br />Not sure how you wanted us to respond to your excerpt. I must say, however, that the central character sure is intriguing, and I did not know that there were gay biker bars. Interesting.Maryannwriteshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09479027709233807149noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5704943052235281766.post-68697493854318966892009-04-15T04:52:00.000-06:002009-04-15T04:52:00.000-06:00Before I share my draft, I'd like to ask the edito...Before I share my draft, I'd like to ask the editors here to please provide links to (or dates of) other posts about showing vs. telling. I know I didn't find all of them. I looked for one in particular that contained vivid examples and was not able to find it. <br /><br />Second, Mark and I have been through several rounds of editing on the early chapters of The Golden Key (the source of my example), so I can safely say that the published version will read differently than this example. For starters, Dale's name has changed because I kept confusing Dale and Dwight.<br /> <br />I decided it wasn't fair to post a polished version when asking everyone else to provide a draft. So, I pulled the following paragraphs from the original draft. <br />----------------<br /><br />“… were no associated wire transfer records, nothing. Everyone thought it was a hoax or some elaborate embezzlement scheme.”<br /><br /> As my date droned on about the ins and outs of the financial world, I continually scanned the crowd. I wasn’t looking for anything in particular, just anything out of the ordinary. Out-of-the-ordinary is tough to identify when you are sitting in a gay biker bar where the staff dresses in costume – including pink leather chaps and form-fitting jeans. Still, the threats Dwight had been receiving were escalating in number and language. Dwight hired me to spot trouble before it happens and hopefully keep his customers safe.<br />...<br /><br /> “For the record, you’d make a great guy, Eva, but you’re missing some vital equipment and no amount of accessories will change that.” Dale, the bouncer, had left his post and inserted himself into our conversation. I wondered if that meant he was interested in Lou. “She ain’t no guy, man. She’s a guy wanna-be.”<br /><br /> I so enjoy having my character assessed – in public, by people who barely know my name. I wanted to slay Dale with my wit, but wasn’t going to get a word in edgewise. Good thing, since I didn’t have anything witty to say.<br /><br /> “You’re date’s a PI – a man’s job. She knows she doesn’t measure up, so she tries to make up for it in accessories. Look what she’s carrying tonight – that necklace is a weapon called a kubotan, and the arm jewelry is a manriki-gusari. You don’t want to piss her off enough to make her reach for that, she can make you hurt, man. Unless you’re into pain, then you might enjoy having her use it on you. We’re in the same martial arts classes. Last week she nearly beat the sensei with that thing. <br /> <br /> "She’s also no slouch with the 9mm peashooter she’s hiding under vest. Now if she was serious, she’d be carrying a real gun. Like this.” Dale pulled his jacket aside just far enough to show off his massive side arm. “This is what a real weapon looks like. You can stop an elephant with a single shot from this baby.” <br /><br /> Dale didn’t seem to notice, but the more he babbled, the more color drained from Lou’s face. He also didn’t notice his boss heading for him. Dwight didn’t like it when his staff hit on the customers and he looked ready to chew Dale a new one. <br /><br />-----------<br /><br />That's mine. I'm looking forward to reading your solution.Charlotte Phillipshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09336641340221491792noreply@blogger.com