Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Time out for a little fun

Since the humor offered here doesn't always have to connect to writing, I thought I would share a bit of humor from my friend, Tracy Farr, that is all about goats.  Enjoy.....


Never trust a goat
I have three goats – a mamma and two twin daughters. I bought them from a little girl who knocked on my door one day, asking if I'd like to buy some goats. And since goats like to eat grass, I figured that I’d let them eat it (instead of me having to mow it), leaving me free to nap on the couch. I give a lot of credence to napping on the couch, especially when I’m supposed to be doing yard work.

I actually enjoy watching my goats, but the only reason they tolerate me is because I bring them food every now and then. If it wasn't for the food, they'd steal the credit card right out of my wallet, and head for the mall to hang out with their little goat friends and eat Chinese food. It's a good thing they can't drive, but I suspect while I’m asleep they’re secretly learning how.

I’ve had these goats for almost a year now, and although they haven’t learned a thing from me, I have learned plenty from them.

Goats are sneaky. Don't trust them. They'll look you right in the eye as if to say, "You're my best friend," but when you turn your back, they'll head-butt you and start eating your new khaki pants. Sounds like people I know, but that's a different story.

Goats are noisy when they're hungry, and they’re always hungry. Their cries sound like the cries of children in pain – and the goats know it. Don't go running outside to see what's causing them agony. It's a trap. And they know how to build excellent traps.

Never give your goats a name. They never come when you call, so why go through the hassle. Besides, if you get tired of the goats and decide to barbecue them next Friday night for your visiting relatives from El Paso, who’s going to want to sit down to a plate full of Sassy or Hoppy?

It’s best to feed goats things like carrots, lettuce, and bananas, but never three-week-old chocolate cake. If you do, they'll stop eating the grass – and can you really blame them? No animal in its right mind would gladly munch on weeds and poison ivy after eating three-week-old chocolate cake. I know I wouldn’t. And if the goats stop eating grass, that means you have to mow it, which defeats the purpose of having goats in the first place.

Never turn your back on a goat. They have sharp horns. You may consider a simple impaling as mere playfulness, but I guarantee they mean to draw blood – and lots of it. They don't want you towering over them. They want you on the ground, writhing in agony, your life's blood pouring out of gaping wounds. As you look up at them, you'll notice their teeth are bigger than you thought. And why are they so big? "The better to eat you with, my dear."

Goats can escape anything. Go ahead, pen them in as tightly as you can. Put little handcuffs around their little legs, put a burlap sack over their heads, throw them in a locked chest, bury the chest six feet deep, pour concrete in the hole, and park your car over the top. The goats will be out by morning, eating the neighbor's prized tomatoes – the ones your neighbor had planned to exhibit at the county fair.

Neighbors are very protective about their prized tomatoes. It's best to have your checkbook handy when they come to visit.

Goats don’t like standing out in the rain. They look so sad if they have to. So, you go to Lowe’s, buy some materials, draw up some plans and build them a goat shed. The goats love it and stand under it every time it rains, which gives you a wonderful sense of accomplishment. When it’s not raining, and the goats get bored of eating grass, they start eating the shed until it falls down. Goats don’t have a grateful bone in their bodies.

I'd eat my goats, but I promised the little girl who sold them to me that I wouldn't. Which leads me to the last thing I've learned: Never make promises to little girls selling goats. They're in cahoots with each other.

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Tracy Farr is a teacher living in East Texas who enjoys writing funny stuff and playing a banjo. You can get a  free copy of his e-book Never Trust a Goat HERE
Posted by Maryann Miller, who also has goats she does not trust. She also has books that she does trust. For information about her books and her editing services visit her Web site.

18 comments :

  1. When I worked for the Zoological Society in Miami, the zoo had a 'petting zoo' that was filled with goats. Your points are well taken.

    Terry
    Terry's Place
    Romance with a Twist--of Mystery

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  2. Truly very funny! I was laughing out loud as I read this. =O)

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  3. Great post! The farm across the street from us kept goats for a couple years, about a dozen of them. They were also escape artists. We got used to walking out our front door and finding a few wandering in the yard. Luckily, we had no prized tomatoes. But our next-door neighbor was very fond of her rose bushes...and so were the goats.

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  4. Glad everyone is enjoying the story and the goats.

    Linda, goats do love rose bushes. My neighbor's goats got out once and ate mine.

    Terry, one of my fondest memories is of our daughter when she was about five bottle-feeding baby goats in a petting zoo. The goats seemed more interested in the tassel on her hat and she kept whapping them on the head with the bottle.

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  5. A nice bit of levity for the day! I think we could use the goat as a character study... Hmm.

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  6. Every word is true - and did you mention that they don't eat weeds at all. Maybe grass, but no weeds. Very picky eaters, goats.

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  7. There is a reason the devil is often portrayed with the head of a goat.

    When I was a kid our goat figured out how to open up the back door (she ate it) and came into the kitchen where she ate a couple of chair legs and some electrical cords.

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  8. Hi, Tracy and Maryann,

    What a clever, original post!
    Thanks for sharing this with us.

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  9. Kim, that is amazing what your goat did. I heard they would eat anything but this is the first I've heard of one eating a door. LOL

    Dani, my goats eat weeds - all that I pull and throw over the fence for them.

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  10. Thanks for that. I enjoy a good laugh but not at my garden's expense! I'll forget about goat gardeners!

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  11. LOL. Love the part about spoiling them with chocolate cake... though how on earth did chocolate cake last three days, let alone three weeks?!

    Elle
    HearWriteNow & Blood-Red Pencil

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  12. Elle, I wondered about the cake, too. Maybe it was a really big sheet cake. LOL

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  13. I enjoyed your treatise on goats. If you are interested, here's a short story about a pet goat I published at Smashwords. Don't worry it's free, at last for a few more weeks.
    The Modern-day Adventures of Billy The Kid.

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  14. Oh, you've made me remember the time we owned a goat - it was exactly as you say. Always nice to start the morning with a smile - thanks:)

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  15. When I first bought my goats, I had visions of never having to mow the yard again. What a naive middle-aged born-in-the-suburbs-and-don't-know-a-damn-thing-about-livestock man I was.

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  16. This was hysterical! Thanks so much for sharing this comedic genius' work!

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  17. Tracy:
    Love your humor pieces, which I understand embrace some exaggeration. But I must say my experience of goats was much different. I had three, two of which had mighty sets of horns which were never used on me. If you can refrain from grabbing them--indeed, act as if they aren't there--that's usually the case.

    Jeremiah was smart as a whip, could turn lights on and off, and knew his name. And if you feed them grain regularly (2x/day) they still eat grass, but don't cry for food! They call out to socialize.

    Anyway, had to stand up for my dearly departed. More at:
    http://healingthroughwriting.blogspot.com/2011/04/one-hot-april-day.html

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  18. Okay, that didn't work. You can go to the "Healing Through Writing" blog and search for "goat"!

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The Blood-Red Pencil is a blog focusing on editing and writing advice. Some of our contributors are editors, some are authors, and some are writing sheep. Yes, sheep.

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